Shaping memories

Some personal thoughts … Whenever I reflect on memories, like flicking through the dog-eared cards in an old fashioned library index draw, I see each memory as a colour and shape. I don’t know why they are captured and stored in this way, but for me it always has been. And the Bavarian post staff development experience is logged there as a crystal blue triangle.

This blue triangle began taking shape as I was climbing a most beautiful mountain on our second day. I was clearing my mind of the inner rattle when I realised for the first time in a long while, that what I was doing was really hard and to get through this I would need to focus. I also noticed that the inner space within me, usually filled with awe and adventure, had been sleeping. Maybe this occurs with age, maybe with having children. The joy of personal experiences is transferred to looking after coats and bags, preparing packed lunches and uttering words of encouragement to others who now face their new challenges. In my roles as youth worker, teacher, arts facilitator and partnership initiator, adventures have been achieved by proxy. The Alpenrose experience reignited my hunger for personal challenge, a reminder of the value of real experiences and how it can awaken inner self. Just as an air steward at the start of an aeroplane flight says, ‘fit your own oxygen mask before assisting others’, I had forgotten about sorting my own air supply, how to breathe and taste the nourishing air.

So why a triangle? Well, the triangle, as a shape of strength reflects the Alpenrose. At its base there is the warm hospitality, the fabulous local cuisine, a beautifully designed residence with space for fun and shared responsibility. At its peak, there is aspiration, challenge, essence of risk, the mountains, sunrises and sunsets through the windows with the silent call to explore. A triangle is the shape each step makes; is the helping arm that stretches out to assist you over difficult rocks and is the spur of the mountain that cuts into the sky. I was surrounded by triangles. A flock of geese flew over our heads as we rested for lunch during our long cycle ride, a triangular dart flying onwards on their long and arduous journey, headed by alternating geese as they each took their turn to lead; it was the piece of birthday cake we shared to celebrate our team member’s birthday.

Just as a triangular diagram refines and tapers towards its apex, I was able to refine my own personal narrative deep within me. I was able to align my inner with my outer voice as well as re-discover the power of silence. I was only able to achieve this with the support of fellow team members and the professional expertise of the leaders, many of whom would have taken me years, if ever, to find in the normal working environment. Preconceptions and prejudices were challenged and I found myself in positions where I was not in control but dependant on others to achieve and stay safe. Supported and encouraged by others, I found an inner resource to manage the fear, pain and exhaustion. And why blue? The crystal clean blue of the sky, the colour that unlocks stilled or sleeping creativity. It was the colour of the lake, reflecting the sky, lapping up our shared experiences of achievement, our surprise at surpassing our pre-conceived limits and our newly stirred passions awakened within us. Blue because it is the colour of focus and clarity, as in the time we were standing at the top of the mountain and could see three countries, or when I was facing the drop before abseiling down the side of an icey waterfall.

Blue because crystal sky blue is the colour of feeling alive and within the short time spent with new colleagues I had journeyed far beyond Bavaria. I had visited myself. And every minute of it was a huge and unforgettable privilege. Thank you. Julia Calver 17-20 October 2008